You know you've been in Thailand too long


when you think it normal to have a beer at 9:00 a.m.
when you begin to enjoy Thai TV programs.
when you look four ways before crossing a one way street.
when you realize that ALL your problems are caused by Thai girls or cranky ATMs.
when you put salt and chilli on your fruit.
when you accept mayonnaise, instead of ice cream, on your fruit salad and don't try to complain.
when a Thai cop stops you for a minor infraction, and you automatically reach for your wallet.
when you think that a Honda Civic is a prestigious car.
when all your T-shirts are emblazoned with the name of some bar.
when you can't remember the last time you wore a suit and tie.
when you think a polo shirt and slacks are formal attire.
when someone tells you that watching Thai politics is like watching two chameleons making love, and
you understand the analogy.
when you aren't upset when the bar girl next to you eats beetles as a snack.
when later the same night, you actually kiss the bar girl who earlier dined on the beetles.
when you wake up in the morning and realise that you have nowhere to go, and all day to get there.
when you think white wine goes well with somtam (very spicy papaya salad).
when you understand what she means when your Thai wife says, My friend you or Same, same, but
different.
when a Thai bar girl you've just met tells you that her mother is deathly ill, and you just laugh and walk
away.==
when you realise that your Thai wife's loyalties belong to
-1. Her parents.
-2. Her brats from a previous marriage to a Thai scoundrel who deserted her.
-3. Any remaining blood relatives
-4. The family buffalo.
-5. The family's goldfish.
-6. You.
when the Thai Navy buys a new submarine, and you're not surprised when the first thing they do is
remove the exhaust-mufflers and hang a garland from the rear view mirror.
when you consider you mobile phone a fashion accessory.
when you start wearing flip-flops everywhere.
when you start driving cars in your bare feet.
when you ride your motorbike wearing flip-flops and shorts.
when you no longer enjoy Songkran. Instead, you stay home with a stack of videotapes.
when you become an expert on buying and selling gold jewellery.
when dogs become animals you'd rather kick than pet.
when driving a car you start using every free inch of the road.
when you flash your 4 indicator lights when driving straight on at an intersection.
when you wear your crash helmet back to front and perched on top of your head.
when you get your wife, 3 kids, pooch in the front basket, and laundry on your moped, and then do a
U-turn to go back and pick up the mother-in-law as well.
when you wear your helmet as far as the intersection with the cop, then take it off as soon as he's out of
sight.
when you feel the moped is not prestigious enough, and move straight up to a Honda SUV, by
mortgaging your everything you have, and eating nothing more extravagant than noodle soup.
when you throw your Thai pooch over a temple wall, and visit the local pet market to get a pedigree St.
Bernard.
when you realise you can't afford to buy petrol for the SUV, or feed both the St. Bernard and your wife,
so one of them has to go. Tricky choice, but hey, her phone calls were getting expensive when it's two
days before pay-day, so you only go to bars with balloons strung outside.
when you realise that all the important words in Thai begin with the letter  Sanuk (Fun), Saduak
(Convenient), Sabai (Comfortable), Suay (Pretty).
when you believe that buying a gold chain is an acceptable courtship ritual, or at least a form of
foreplay.
when you think a calendar more useful than a watch.
when you go to a Thai Boxing match and a soccer game breaks out.
when you stand in the shadow of a telephone pole while waiting for a bus.
when you put your coat on as soon as the temperature hits the low 80
when you suddenly find you like the smell of durian (Thai fruit).
when you dilute your whisky with so much water it becomes clear.
when you put ice in your lager (beer).
when Indian tailors ignore you as you walk past their shop.
when you speak pidgin English to other foreigners, including those of your own nationality.
when you have a 10:00am appointment on the other side of town, and leave the house at 10:00am.
when you start to believe you have to look at people to hear what they are saying.
when you stop converting prices back to your home currency for comparison purposes.
when you use short Thai phrases to yourself in daily situations  e.g. beer bpai nai(where's my beer?)
when you pick your nose in public and think nothing of it.
when you get told frequently that you poot Thai geng.(speak good Thai)
when you tell everyone you don't nam jai (have sympathy) too much, otherwise you would be broke.
when food doesn't taste right unless its really loaded with salt from fermented-fish sauce.
when you slap yourself the instant you think something is going to bite you.
when you look directly at people as they talk about you in Thai; they don't know that I understand Thai
until I stare at them!
when you dont mind when a Thai man shows affection by placing his hand on your arm/leg for long
durations (honestly guy, they aren't gay).
when you think 50 Baht is a lot of money.
when you prefer fried fish to steak.
when you drink Sang Som (local rum) rather than beer.
when you look forward to going to the local karaoke with your mates.
when you know which karaoke joints have English song sheets available.
when you avoid other foreigners because they'll embarrass you in front of your friends.

And finally, You know you've been in Thailand too long when you phone home to your own parents,    
explain the buffalo is sick, and ask them to send you some money for the vet.
Don's Life In Thailand  (Chiang Mai)